Friday, March 12, 2010

Words Of Warning That Often Go Ignored Just For The Fun Of It

The doors are now properly hung. Bryan fixed them. He walked in, looked at them, said "I have a plan," and then fixed them. In the space of 15 minutes.

As I said before, I'm a writer, not a handyman.

Now, I should mention that the phrase "I have a plan" makes me cringe whenever Bryan says it. His plans usually end up hitting their goal in the most roundabout, insanely complicated way possible that's usually worth a few stories (providing the judge hasn't forbidden us to tell them or the U.S. Army hasn't classified the events. With Bryan, either of those are realistic possibilities). And since the list of experiences he draws off now includes basically three tours of duty in Afghanistan and armed combat, I should probably start giving his plans a little more thought before I sign on.

All my friends have a cringe-worthy phrase. Well, Dick doesn't, but he's the quiet one. I should mention that among the crew I run with, I tend to be the voice of, well, if not reason then perhaps we could say common sense. That being the case, those of you who know me will immediately begin wondering how we survived half the adventures we've had or you'll understand why we get into them in the first place.

Patrick's phrase is quite simply "Oops." When I hear him say that I half expect the roof to fall in. The last time I heard him say that, we spent a long time shoving his Honda Accord back up a hill after we'd gotten it stuck. The previous time he said it was just seconds before a couple hundred pounds crashed to the floor of the weight room.

Devan is usually so deep into things that he has two phrases. Hearing "I've been thinking..." or "I've got an idea..." makes me wish I was somewhere else. I heard it once and it involved climbing a cliff to get off the river and when we made it to the top we were in a brier patch that left a scar on my arm that took the better part of three years to fade. The phrase "I've got an idea" once led him to light a brush pile on fire less than a hundred feet from the woods on what turned out to be the windiest day of the spring.

Collectively, we have a tendency to size up a situation in one of two ways, depending on who is around at the time. When we face a problem and come up with a potential solution, Devan tends to shrug and say "This isn't the dumbest thing we've ever done" and then proceed to get into a mess that'll take me and Patrick both to pull him out of. If I'm being honest here, I must admit that I've used that one myself a few times. Bryan tends to look at something, give that very same shrug, and say "Well, we can't possibly screw this up any worse than it is" and then proceed to screw it up way worse than it was to begin with.

Except this time. His plan worked and my doors are now in place. I guess these wild hares have to work themselves out every once in a while.

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